So recently, fanfiction have been purging stories from their site, once again, based on the actions of a group of people who I can only imagine have waaaaaaay too much time on their hands. After an author mentioned that three more of her stories had been targeted, I wrote a reply in the form of an email to these people. Thought I might share my thoughts below.
WARNING: CONTAINS NAUGHTY WORDS AND POSSIBLE RUDE BITS
Dear Prudish Nazi Fuckwits,
I see you have taken time out from your busy witch-burning, puritan, lonely lives to target stories for deletion that, in all fairness, you wouldn’t know was ‘rude’ if you didn’t read them. I just bet you’re the kind of people who have photos shoved under your mattresses that show ‘naughty bits’. Heaven forbid someone actually write the word penis or tits. *giggles behind hand like a 12-year-old*. You’re also the kind of people who sit there fanning yourselves while reading 50 Shades of Grey but would have had the exact same story deleted if it were on fanfiction.net. Hypocrisy is not attractive.
I would however like to take this time to thank you. You see, by targeting these stories for deletion, it in fact makes people talk. And by making people talk they become aware of the stories. Suddenly, they become more popular than they were before. Not sure if you are all aware of this but, this funny thing you are using on the magical box with all the buttons is called the Internet and things tend to never actually be gone on the Internet. I’d say you haven’t heard the phrase “Once on the internet, always on the internet”.
What I mean to say is, there are other websites out there, better ones actually, ones that allow people to post pictures with their stories (boobies anyone?). This means that the stories are now improved! And best of all, they are websites that are free from sad, desperate, closed-minded people like yourselves that have way to much time on your hands.
If you really want to do something to help the world out and to protect the kiddies, how about getting off your fat lazy asses and volunteer for a charity organisation, or castrate pedophiles, or lobby the Government through mass letter writing campaigns to toughen up laws in regards to sexual assault on women, children and men, instead of targeting stories that are a bit ‘kinky’. Or how about targeting the media to stop sexualising our children and selling products through sex. But no. That will involve having to actually put down the box of chocolates and pastries and possibly leaving your house.
Enjoy your tiny lives and know that you haven’t actually ‘won’ anything. Yeah, it got deleted from one teeny tiny site……but there are squillions of others to choose from and in time, fanfiction.net will become a ghost town as more and more authors move away from them; kinda like MySpace.
Meanwhile, I’ll be over here thinking up the fastest and most efficient way I can get Alexander Skarsgard naked. Its kind of a competition I have with myself now. 8.25 secs is my current record but by introducing cutting utensils into the equation I am sure I’ll have more time shaved off that soon.