Hi All It’s been a long while, not that I’ve actually WRITTEN anything to have you all hanging around at the moment, but thanks to those of you still here…..or who have forgotten you are here. *snicker* Anyhoo, I am posting today for a few reasons so:
- A month ago I bought a brand spanking new, so shiny and pretty smelling it makes me happy, computer. Admittedly all I’ve used it for thus far is googling random things and playing World of Warcraft but those things make me happy so who cares. As I am still working on my mental health, which is a long battle as 35 years worth of crud isn’t exactly going anywhere overnight, I am taking it easy in regards to all the things I want to do. These things include a graphic design course which I had signed up for but then had to cancel once my laptop died and I had the mini-breakdown last year. This is still something I am wanting to explore but now, rather than doing for others, I will be doing it for myself. I’ve never tried to make out I was fantastic at what I did. I used free online programs and a slow laptop to create what I could. I didn’t have the money, resources, nor health to do more but I tried with what I did have and I was damn proud of it. I taught myself and while I’ve had snide comments from some in regards to what I did create, screw them; I like ’em!
- A couple of weeks ago, a woman at work who I consider a friend, had her 22-year-old daughter go missing. For 2 days we anxiously sat around hoping for word that she had been found safe and sound, however last Wednesday, we attended her funeral. The circumstances surrounding her death will always be a little unclear but the shock of it is very much a reality. You always hear about these things happening but it is always to other people, never anyone you know. My friend is an amazing and strong woman and I am so proud of her for how she has conducted herself throughout this terrible time and couldn’t be more amazed at how so many people rallied to help in any way they could. As it is with such things, it has made me realise how fragile and short life is and I have strived harder in the last few weeks to connect with those I love so they know how I feel about them. Life is too short to live in fear and anxiety and anger which leads me into my third point.
- I’m going to actually do it this time. Rather than planning and plotting and scribbling things down on paper, I will actually start writing. I have a fair bit down on paper since I was computer-less but had been reluctant to transfer it to a word document to really work on it. I’m woman enough to admit I am terrified for a variety of reasons. It has been so long since I have written, what if I am terrible? I am already struggling with just reading thanks to the fibro, what if writing is more than I can handle? I am coming late to a party which is already starting to dwindle, why bother? And on and on it goes. Truth is, I don’t know the answers to any of those questions. It is true that the level at which I used to write has fallen since I was a teenager but then I have days now where I have to Google ‘cutlery’ because I spend 35 minutes trying to think of the word ‘fork’. Fibromyalgia is not my excuse, but an explanation as to why I struggle now. Depression also. And let’s not forget Chronic Fatigue. All three suck considerably and combining them into one human can make days seem insurmountable. I recently bought a mug which states “if it requires clothes, a bra or leaving the house, it’s just not going to happen today.” That is pretty much my life motto. All of this aside however, I am not going to let it hold me back. I don’t read much fanfiction anymore. I tend to stick with a very small group of writers I adore which pretty much consists of kjwrit, California Kat, VictoryInTrouble, Virala, aaaaaaaand that’s pretty much it. There are a few random stories I follow for Queen of Area Five, ILWE and a few randoms on ff.net also but nothing consistent. Each of these ladies are amazing writers and inspire me greatly so I am going to stop being afraid and just do it. As I have mentioned previously, I’m not in this for fame and glory. I don’t care if one person likes it or one hundred. I want to write for me again because when I stopped I felt as though a large part of myself died and I don’t think I have truly been myself since then. I still answer ‘hobbies’ with ‘reading, writing’ in that order and that is not just from habit, but a true belief this is who I am. I regret the wasted years but I have many more ahead. So I am whipping out the trusty diary and I will find a time to set aside to write. (It has to be in the diary now otherwise I forget. Seriously, I even have laundry written in because it won’t get done otherwise. So yes, I have a goal. I will finally get this beast out of my head and onto paper. I have no clue if there is anything similar out there, and I hope not, but I guess I’ll find out when I start. I’ve had the Prophecy this while thing hangs on written for the last 2 years so it’s time to dust it off and get moving. Please have patience with me, not that any of you probably remember me now. 🙂
Anyway, that is all I wanted to say. Congrats to kjwrit, CK, Virala and ViT for their wins in the recent awards. With the one vote policy these are well-deserved! You are each amazing writers so thank-you for all you do as well as other writers such as Queen of Area Five, Mistress Jessica and TL/NYCS. See you on the flip-side!