So this is the second story written under the banner of Fixing Fanfiction Fuckery. It turned out a little different to how I intended but I actually quite like what I ended up with. Once again, part of the items discussed in this story are things myself and my fellow betas discuss late at night, (or afternoon for me what with being in the future and all). There are certain phrases and wordings that are used all too frequently and make all of our eyes twitch. Don’t get me wrong, a lot of these stories are fantastic and I love them but some of the things that get written! I in no way believe my writing will be perfect when I do eventually start on the big one I have rattling around in my brain, but I am going to try very very hard to avoid the things that are so annoying that myself and my fave ladies bring them in conversation up over and over again. I must admit I tend to lament, A LOT, about certain stories but I still read them because most of the time the ideas behind them are really good. The truth is, I adore Eric and Sookie and since a certain creator of said characters seems to hate us all so much that she destroyed both of them in her later books, I will read any fic I can get my hands on that has them in it. There are only a few stories I have actually stopped reading because they were so bad.
The second topic discussed in this one-shot is a personal pet peeve and as my friends know, I get very passionate about my pet peeves. So anyway, hope you all enjoy!
Eric looked up from the book he was reading to check on Sookie, who was sitting with her feet tucked under her in front of the computer. Something must be frustrating her as he had heard similar, albeit quieter versions of the cry he just heard all evening. At this moment however, Sookie was partaking in an activity he believed was called “head-desking”. Rising from the arm-chair, Eric marked his place in the book, set it on the arm of the chair and walked over to her. Just as her forehead was about to meet the desk once more, Eric used vamp speed to place his hand between the two. Leaving her forehead there, Sookie began to shake her head instead while groaning in frustration. Sensing she wasn’t in any actual distress, Eric simply chuckled and let her get whatever it was bothering her out of her system. A few more moments passed before Sookie finally lifted her head and smiled sheepishly at him.
Crouching beside her, Eric reached out gently to stroke her forehead.
“I do not know if you are aware of this, Miss Stackhouse, but I am quite fond of you, all parts of you, and that includes this adorable forehead. Please refrain from injuring it if you can.”
Swatting him playfully on the arm, Sookie giggled before replying, “You can be such a dork sometimes”.
Gasping in fake shock Eric countered, “A dork? I am a dork? In what way am I a penis?”
Tilting her head in confusion Sookie stared at him.
“The original usage of the word dork was slang for penis. It is one of the things I find most confusing about language in these modern times. Certain words have had such a drastic change in definition that at times I find myself accidentally insulting someone. No more can I describe a happy man as gay.”
Giggling at her man once more, Sookie leaned forward and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. Before she had a chance to move much farther away from him however, Eric grasped her head in his hands and leaned forward to kiss her much more deeply. By the time Eric finally allowed Sookie to escape his grasp, she was panting with more than the need for air.
Smirking smugly at her, Eric shifted away from her slightly and dragged another chair over closer to her.
“As pleasant an activity as continuing that kiss may be, I am most curious as to why you were attempting to damage my furniture with your head.”
Eric’s curiosity was piqued even more when he felt embarrassment flood their bond and saw Sookie’s cheeks turn that adorable shade of red he loved so much. Raising an eyebrow, Eric leaned back into the chair as though he were lounging on his throne at Fangtasia.
“My My, my beloved little fairy. That is a most interesting reaction. What on earth were you reading?”
Colour flooding her cheeks even more, Sookie began to shift uncomfortably in her seat. Realising that she was currently too embarrassed to tell him anything, Eric simply stood, picked Sookie up from the chair and sank into it himself before arranging her comfortably in his lap. A small yelp of surprise passed Sookie’s lips before she had the chance to register what had happened.
Leaning forward to tap on the keyboard, Eric began to read the website on the screen. A few sentences in, Eric raised an eyebrow and glanced quickly at the woman in his arms. Mortified, Sookie buried her face in her hands as Eric turned back to the screen to read more. As he could read much faster than the average human, Eric had several pages read in no time. Finally deciding he had read enough, he turned his attention back to his beloved. Still hiding her face from him with her hands, Eric gently pried them away and lifted her chin to force her to look him in the eye. Sookie’s face was now the brightest shade of red Eric had ever seen.
“Lover,” Eric purred. “Are you reading pornography? Pornography about me?”
Gasping at his scandalous accusation, Sookie scrambled to remove herself from Eric’s lap.
“Of course not! Pornography is degrading and gives men unrealistic expectations of both sex and women. I would NEVER read such filth, especially with you in it!”
Sookie now stood in front of her man with her hands planted firmly on her hips. Pornography, indeed! Did he not know her at all?
Eric mimicked Sookie’s body language from earlier and tilted his head in confusion.
“But this is a story about sex.”
“It is NOT a story about sex! It’s a story that happens to have sex in it thank you very much!”
“If it is not porn my love, what is it?”
Colour once again tinged Sookie’s cheeks as she mumbled something too low even for Eric’s superior hearing to pick up.
“I’m sorry, what was that again?”
Sighing, Sookie squared her shoulders and looked Eric directly in the eye.
Eric looked at Sookie without comprehension. Fanfiction? He had never heard of such a thing. There did not appear to be any fans in this story at all from he had read, let alone any other electrical devices. And for what purpose would one write fiction about fans? The look Eric gave Sookie clearly conveyed that he wished for her to elaborate.
Sighing in resignation, Sookie sank into the chair that Eric had occupied earlier.
“Fanfiction is stories, written by fans of a particularly book, or film or TV series or whatever, that expand on the universe created by the original author or in many cases creates an ending or scenario that fans wish to see but do not exist in the ‘real’ versions. For example, remember that hideous vampire movie that came out a little while ago?”
Eric growled at the mention of that film. Vampires indeed! Vampires do not sparkle! These were fairy emo disco-balls in his opinion. Nodding in the affirmative however, he motioned for Sookie to continue.
“Well in the books and the movies, the female lead ends up with the vampire but many fans were more fond of her best friend the werewolf. Because the books didn’t support their “ship”, many fans wrote their own versions of the story where she rejects the vampire and chooses the wolf instead. Some however are stories that support the canon ‘ship’ and are simply the fans way of playing out scenarios that they wish to see their favourite couple in. These stories are really popular among fans who share the same viewpoint and some become so popular they are turned into original stories and published on their own merit.”
Still stuck on something Sookie said, Eric asked, “Canon? Ship?”
Smiling at her clueless vampire, she replied, “Canon basically means that anything written by the original author is considered true and sets the universe in concrete. If the author writes it, it’s part of the true universe. As for ship; it’s kinda short for relationship. So you support a certain ‘ship’. Get it?”
“Ah, I understand now. That is actually quite witty when you think about it as it can also play on the phrase, “The ship has sailed.”
Grinning at him, Sookie stood and wound her arms around Eric’s neck and settled back into his lap.
“Exactly my clever vampire”.
Pleased that he had learned something new, Eric captured Sookie’s lips with his own once again and lazily kissed her until he had to release her once more. Staring up at him with starry-eyes, Sookie allowed herself to feel the love she had for him wash over her. She really was so lucky in so many ways and the fact that he liked to learn new things, things that interested her, meant that she felt truly appreciated by him, especially since he didn’t mock her or made her feel stupid for the things she enjoyed. When she had first met the Sheriff of Area 5, she would never have believed that underneath the innuendo and macho exterior was a man that felt things as deeply as he did, nor a man that would so readily sit and ask questions about fanfiction. It really was too adorable at times!
Allowing Sookie to snuggle in to him, Eric wrapped his arms around her. He enjoyed moments like these where he and his beloved could just rest into each other’s company. Throughout his long existence, Eric had come to dread spending great deals of time with people, finding that their insipid conversation and vapid company drained him energy leaving him bored and aloof. Sookie, however, delighted him in so many ways and the more they were together, the more time he wished to spend with her. If he could, Eric would rid the world of everyone but those he cared for so that he would never again be distracted from her. Burying his nose into her hair, Eric breathed the scent of her in and instantly felt even calmer than he had been before.
Not quite willing to give up on their earlier conversation just yet however, Eric shifted the woman in his arms so that he could see her face once more. Unable to resist, he kissed her quickly on the lips and let her see the love he had for her in his eyes.
“Tsk tsk Miss Stackhouse. Trying to distract me from discovering more about what frustrated you so thoroughly earlier. I am on to your schemes!”
Gasping in mock horror she replied, “Me! I believe it was you that kissed me into stupidity. I had nothing to do with it!”
“And if you were not so delectable I would not have been tempted away from the conversation. So you see, Lover, it is entirely your fault.”
Sookie rolled her eyes. “How about we call it even then?”
“Never! I will never allow myself to concede to such a thing when I am entirely at your mercy!”
Laughing, Sookie shook her head at him. Adorable! No, adorkable was more accurate.
Picking up the conversation once more Eric said, “So you have explained fanfiction and I believe I understand the concept behind it. You have not, however, explained to me the reasons why there are such stories about me nor why you were reading them. I am not a book, nor a film or television series. I am especially curious as to what was causing such a violent reaction toward my desk earlier.”
Mentally snapping her fingers that she was unsuccessful in distracting him away from the topic, Sookie made herself reply.
“You are quite famous among the fang-bangers, surely you know that.”
Eric’s ego flared as he sat a little straighter and flexed his pectorals, visible through the tight white shirt he was wearing.
“Yes, I seem to remember something along those lines.”
Narrowing her eyes at him, Sookie continued, “Well, a lot of these ‘women’ hate the fact that you are with me now and don’t drink or ‘f’ anyone else any more. So they decided to write their fantasies down into story form and published them online. You know how popular vampire fiction is nowadays since you guys came out of the coffin. A lot of people are becoming quite well known for some of the stories they write about you. That ridiculous frizzy haired southern woman for one. What on earth was she thinking! Those books are terrible! As if I would remain friends with Bill if he did everything to me those books claim he did! And the fact she thinks I’d choose Sam over you? I mean its Sam! That would be like having sex with my brother or even a seal. I mean ick!”
Eric smirked at the adorable way she screwed up her nose at the thought. Yes, he had read that novel series and while he had been tempted to sue the woman for defamation of character, he came to the conclusion that most people would realize that what she had written was utter crap and wouldn’t believe it anyway. He had a feeling that a certain ex of Sookie’s may have glamoured the woman the way she seemed to favour him and hated Eric. Perhaps not in the beginning. The first few books you could see the woman definitely preferred a certain Viking but suddenly, her views seemed to change and he became a very different character. Yes, he would not be at all surprised if her mind had been tampered with and for that reason, among other, he had left her alone. That was until she released a final book that went a little too far in his opinion. Until then, he had been content to allow the woman her fantasies, and her life, but with that book, the final ‘nail in the coffin’ so to speak, his intentions had changed. Oh yes, he would have a great deal of fun showing her exactly who she was messing with. Happy to be enslaved indeed! And by a vampire younger than he, a woman he would despise. His fangs threatened to snick down as he imagined the violence. For Sookie he was gentle and kind and all things she required in a partner, but for everyone else he was still very much a 1000 year-old Viking Vampire Sheriff, something he looked forward to demonstrating to this so-called author who seemed to have extremely strange views when it came to violence toward women.
Sookie continued, all the while looking at Eric in amusement. “Well, I like to read fanfiction occasionally. Some of it is pretty well written and the stories can be quite imaginative and when I was looking for stories on Damon and Elena I stumbled across these ones about you.”
“Damon and Elena?”
“Yes. You know. The Vampire Diaries. He’s the one with black hair and blue eyes and screams sex.” Sookie sighed as her eyes took on a faraway look.
Glaring at her Eric bit out, “A child! He is nothing but a child and should I ever come across him I would tear him limb from limb before he even realized he was in my presence!”
“Calm down Eric. He isn’t real. Damon is just a made up character on TV. The man who plays him, Ian, is very pretty yes, and I do enjoy looking at him, but it’s you I love. Silly vampire. How can you be so old and so sexy and yet be so insecure?”
Eric huffed, “I do not like it. Being with you makes me feel things and I am not sure I like them. You have upset me; make it better.”
Digging her hands into his hair, Sookie gently massaged Eric’s scalp. Immediately his eyes fell closed and a sound that was close to a purr rumbled from his chest. Scary vampire indeed! He was nothing but a giant kitty! Chucking at her inner dialogue, Sookie swore to herself she would never tell him how she thought of him sometimes. She was unsure if he would go out and tear down a forest to prove how manly he could be or if he’d roll over and beg for a tummy scratch!
Digging his way out of the haze her touch created in his mind Eric whispered, “Continue your story.”
Shifting to straddle him in order to reach his head better Sookie went on, “As I was saying, when I was looking for other stories I came across these ones about you. I have to admit I was curious as to what people thought of you and how they saw you so I started to read them. Some I must say are pretty good but there are some…….”
Sensing the frustration he felt from her earlier Eric reluctantly removed Sookie’s hands form his hair.
“Well, it’s just that, the way some people see you! And not just you, but me as well! And themselves! It’s sad and disturbing and quite a bit sad. The ones that include me basically have me as a doormat that will let you do and say whatever the hell you want to me and I roll over and take it because you are oh so sexy. Yes, you’re gorgeous, and yes there are times you are able to distract me out of my anger, but you more than anyone know that if I don’t agree with something I’ll fight you on it. If I won’t let you spend gobs of money on me because I’m an independent woman, why on earth would I let you treat me so terrible in the bedroom? It’s stupid!”
Nodding knowingly, Eric recalled one such incident not too long ago. He shifted uncomfortable in the chair as his poor cock reminded him just how distracted away from ‘sexy-times’, (a phrase he had just read in the story on the computer), Sookie could get. He hoped that such a thing would not occur again soon, or ever, if he had his way.
“So why do you read them if they make you so angry?”
“Well, like I said, most are pretty good and I guess in some ways it’s like witnessing a car accident. You know it’s gonna be ugly, you know it’s terrible, but you just can’t seem to look away!”
“And exactly what things are you finding so frustrating?”
“Well, the way these people describe body parts for example! ‘Sliding his love stick into her moist haven’. ‘Slipping his fingers into her love cave’. I mean ewww! Makes it sound like something germ infested! I mean I’m not a fan of pussy but it’s much better than ‘love tunnel’. And never ever use the “C” word. Ick. Seriously, are the writers 12? Are they giggling behind their notebooks because they think they have cleverly disguised the ‘rude bits and naughty words’?”
Eric raised his eyebrows in shock. People described things in such a way? Grown women in fact? It seemed so juvenile and stupid and also seemed disrespectful to the people reading such things. If someone was not mature enough to cope with the word vagina, or pussy, or cock, then they should not be reading such things! Eric was not a prude by any definition of the word, but he was a logical man and logic dictated that adult women and men should have the maturity to cope with reading such words. He shook his head in amazement. Just when I thought he had begun to understand humanity, something would come along and make him realize how little he truly understood them. It was most frustrating. He could now see why his little fairy was having such a reaction earlier, recalling having seen such phrases in the story he had just read.
Sookie continued, “I mean I can sort of understand where these people are coming from. Pussy and cock don’t sound very romantic. They can sound crude when describing a tender moment, but these phrases they come up with! If you feel so embarrassed or find the words too ick for what you are writing, don’t use them at all! What’s wrong with saying, “He gently entered her?” Nothing scandalous there. Why write the scenes at all if you can’t handle the words? Gah! It’s all so frustrating!”
Eric chuckled at her as she crossed her arms in a huff and glared over her shoulder toward the computer screen. He did not think he would ever understand why she continued to read such things if they frustrated her so, but then he believed he would never truly understand her and this was one of the many reasons he loved her so. He would never grow tired of her and envisioned many nights such as this; sitting together, talking about small things and learning about one another. Yes, he looked forward to the future very much now that Sookie was a part of it.
“And is that all that frustrates you about these stories, Lover?”
Sookie’s eyes narrowed as her frustration took over.
“No! There is so much more! You act like an idiot. I act like an idiot. The other women with you act like idiots. It makes no sense! If you were like this in real life, there is no way you would be as old as you are. You’d have met the true death long ago. Why on earth would you start acting like a moron now? And why do so many women think you’d be into whips and chains and making me a sex slave? Does being a vampire automatically mean you become some freaky sex fetish asshole?”
Eric looked at Sookie in shock. It is true that he had read a mild version of this just before, but he had no idea most women believed this was how he truly was. He had believed that women thought it was simply a fantasy version, something they wanted to him to be; not how he truly was. It was true that in his long life Eric had partaken in many things. Being as old as he was he was bound to have tried everything at least once and if it was good, then perhaps twice. There had been brief periods in his life where he worked in certain ‘clubs’ to pass the time but it was not something he lived and breathed. Eric was, by nature, a dominate man. What purpose would it serve to be that way in all aspects of his life? He found great pleasure in allowing Sookie to take over during their intimate times, finding the confidence she gained from being the dominate partner extremely sexy. Why would he want a weak and subservient woman in his life? No, he liked his woman’s fire and hoped she never lost it.
Pulling her in to his chest, Eric rubbed his hands soothingly up and down her back.
“Sssh my love. It is alright. You and I know the truth of our relationship; what does it matter what others believe?”
“I know it doesn’t matter Eric but it still hurts. How can people think such terrible things of us?”
Tears threatened to spill over Sookie’s cheeks as she snuggled into her man’s chest. It made her so angry! Sensing her shifting moods, Eric cuddled her in closer and allowed her time to gather herself. He had a good mind to hunt down all these authors and show them exactly what he could be. Hurting his Sookie, intentional or not, was NOT on! She was his and he would protect her from all that could hurt her. A few minutes passed like this; Sookie allowing her anger to dissipate and Eric imaging bodily harm. When both had become reconciled with their thoughts, Sookie leaned away from Eric’s chest and smiled sheepishly up at him.
“Sorry. I get a little emotional reading these. I know I know, why read them, but like I said, car accident.”
It was Eric’s turn to roll his eyes. An enigma! That is what she was.
Looking fondly at her Eric debated with himself if he should bring up the other question he had regarding these stories. Deciding it was best to get it all out of the way, he leaned forward, careful not to jostle her, and brought the relevant section up on screen.
“If I may ask, what is this?”
Glancing behind her, Sookie huffed in annoyance at what was on the screen. Adjusting herself so that she was facing the computer also, Sookie replied, “Polyvore.”
Eric raised an eyebrow at her. “Polyvore? I have not heard of this.”
Sookie glanced back at him. “I’m surprised. I would have thought Pam would be addicted to this and would have shown you by now.”
His interest piqued, Eric motioned for her to continue.
“Polyvore is basically a site you go to where you can build outfits and stuff. It’s a way of allowing you to see what would work together etc. without ever having to leave the comfort of your own home.”
“I do not understand. Why do you appear to feel such hatred toward something that sounds as though it would be of great service to people?”
“Because it’s being overused!!!!”
The vehemence with which Sookie spoke that last sentence managed to shock the vampire. Wow, she really did seem to dislike this polyvore.
Sighing, Sookie reached for the mouse and virtually flicked through the story she had been reading. At the bottom of each page there was a collection of pictures showing various outfits, hairstyles and accessories. This did seem to be extravagant but he still did not quite understand why this was a bad thing.
“Look, in theory I have no problem with it. It can come in real handy if you’re trying to describe something complicated, but if you ask me, a lot of authors are using it to disguise lazy writing and it makes the readers out to be dumb as well!”
Eric continued to look at her. “More.”
“Do we really need to know what a character is wearing in every single chapter? Is it important to the plot? Is the fact they are wearing a yellow tank top, cut off denim shorts and flip flops really that exciting? And is that description soooooo complicated that readers go, “Aaaah duh. What’s a yellow tank top?” Sookie’s ‘stupid’ voice made Eric laugh.
“In all seriousness though, do you understand what I mean? Sure, if a female character was going somewhere flashy and was wearing a really gorgeous gown and accessories, then by all means get a picture of that to show what you’re trying to explain. Not everyone will understand what ruching means. If they are just wearing casual clothes though, most people really don’t need a detailed description! And throwing these damn polyvore pictures in on every single freaking chapter is just treating the readers like idiots! I know what a pair of sunglasses looks like!”
Eric gazed at Sookie in a strange combination of shock, amusement and lust. She was completely fired up about this and it was sexy. Unable to help himself, Eric turned Sookie’s head toward him and laid one hell of a kiss on her. Wiggling around to face him once again, Sookie dug her fingers into his hair and gave as good as she got. Her breathing became laboured as the kiss continued, and even Eric began to see stars as their lips attacked one another.
Pushing the chair away from the computer desk, Eric stood, bringing Sookie with him, and moved them toward the larger lounge. Dropping her onto the cushions below, Sookie squeaked as she bounced slightly, only to have the sound turn into more of a groan as Eric whipped his t-shirt off. Smirking down at her, Eric pounced and began kissing her passionately once more. When Eric finally let Sookie up for air he said, “You need to read these stories more often if this is the reaction you have.”
Gasping in false indignation Sookie replied, “Me! It’s you who attacked me Mr. I-find-your-fire-sexy. I was just getting grouchy at the way these fanfic authors seem to treat us readers like idiots.”
“Now now my delectable fairy. Did we not just establish earlier that it is entirely your fault for being so damn enticing?”
“I thought we decided to call it a tie?”
Gazing down at her with a look filled with devotion, Eric whispered, “We can call it a vest for all I care, so long as it is me that gets to kiss you this way.”
Soon the room was filled with the sounds of an intimate moment being shared by two people who adored one another. As they lay in contented silence afterwards, Sookie lay tucked carefully into Eric’s side, his fingertips gently brushing up and down her side. The feeling was both soothing and erotic, somehow managing to stoke the fire Sookie had believed put out. Unable to help herself, Sookie arched into his hands and sighed, “Oh Sam.”
Shock registered in the bond as Eric realised what Sookie said. Before she knew it, Eric was on top of her playfully glaring down at her.
“Would you prefer Bill?”
Giggling, Sookie began crying for mercy as Eric found all her tickle spots and tortured her for saying another man’s name. Eventually showing compassion, Eric slowed his attack and brought his hands up to her face. Looking intently at her he asked, “Would you truly prefer another man as some of these ‘authors’ claim.”
Shaking her head she said, “No. I only want you. Only you.”
That was all Eric needed to hear.