She Wolf

shewolf

A shot in the dark
A past, lost in space
Where do I start
The past, and the chase

It was Victorian London where I first met my Maker.  I was being accosted in an ally way late at night, and though I was more than capable of handling things myself, something in me felt rapture that I did not have to.

Watching this strange and beautiful man suck the blood from his fingertips, I suddenly knew what I wanted.  My life, while comfortable, was a lonely and melancholy one.  There were few options for strong-willed women of my time and I created quite the stir among my family when I became a ‘Madam’.  Whoring may not be considered the most noble of professions, but it was certainly a hell of a lot more respectable than others.  It was honest, it was flexible and it certainly paid well.  It was not a career that ended well for many, however.  While comfortable now, I knew that unless I was very very lucky, my death would come at the hands of a disgruntled client, disease or starvation and if very unlucky, possibly all three.  I yearned for so much more than this life could bring me, and looking at my liberator this night, I knew to my very core that he could be my rescuer in so many other ways.

We danced around each other with our words that night.  While brief, it felt like a game of cat and mouse, a game of chase, with no clear definition as to which of us was the prey.  It was certain that he had me beaten in physical strength, but I got the feeling that not many could stand up to him with words.  As a woman, particularly in my profession, I was required to be skilled in many areas, and I knew that my blunt sarcasm was not for many.  He however, he seemed to appreciate it.

You hunted me down
Like a wolf, a predator
I felt like a deer in your lights

The very next night when he came to my establishment most unexpectedly, I knew that he had seen something in me that intrigued him just as much as he had captivated me.  It was true that I much preferred the company of women when it came to my bedtime activities, but I certainly enjoyed fucking the occasional man.  Eric was beautiful; there was no denying it.  He was tall and fair and his steely gaze held none of the lies so many mens held.  Looking into his eyes was like gazing down through history and I felt more naked under his penetrating stare fully clothed then I ever had standing naked in a room full of people.   

I knew what he was and yet I was not afraid.  I don’t know why discovering that vampires were real did not come as a shock, but then, I saw many more monsters in my line of work than most; and they were of the human variety.

He truly did not have to help me with my problem no matter what he said, and yet he did.  He was a man of scruples, integrity and honour; three things I came across so rarely and I knew somehow that these were traits he had exhibited in his life before the turning.  He was a rarity, a gallery piece, something to be marvelled at and I was drawn to him in ways I could not explain.  Whatever spell he had me under, I did not wish for it to end.  I was caught in his spotlight, unable to move until he brought me to the darkness.

You loved me and I froze in time
Hungry for that flesh of mine

He did not have to turn me that fateful night; he could have left me to die.  The overwhelming darkness I felt within myself was slowly gaining ground on my heart and I knew that I would not live long enough to meet the fate I saw before me.  I was trapped in a life I hated, born to a time that did not understand me and while I fought the only way I knew how, I knew that I needed more.

As the blood dripped down my arms, mirroring the tears I shed, I felt as if each drop that fell was one moment from my life where I had longed to scream to be heard.  The carpet beneath my feet slowly became stained red as I looked at Eric in a way I have never allowed myself to before show: desperation.  I knew he was not in love with me, as I was not in love with him, but in the short time I had known him I had come to adore him as I imagined the disciples had loved Jesus.  In him I truly saw my salvation and so offered him all of me: my heart, my body and my blood.  When he took my offerings, I knew he cared for me too.

But I can’t compete with a she wolf who has brought me to my knees
What do you see in those yellow eyes
Cause I’m falling to pieces

So began the greatest relationship of my life.  Eric was all I had imagined, and more, and he indulged my whims as my true father never had.  We fucked, fought and fed together over many decades, never leaving each other’s side unless absolutely necessary.  Together we were a family; a strange fucked up family to those looking in, but it brought me a sense of security and, dare I say it, hope.

Never before in my life and I known hope as I did with him.  He showed me the world and encouraged me to look toward the future.  To see the world age and die around me while so many new things sprung up as I got to walk through it all unchanged was a heady feeling.  I finally felt complete and as though I had found myself.  By his side, I never knew uncertainty.  That is, until Sookie Stackhouse.

To me she was yet another blood bag; sweating and excreting bodily fluids just like any other but there was no denying there was something different about her.  I had honestly thought she would succumb to my Maker as every other conquest had, and he would then move on, needing only me by his side.  Somehow she preferred that idiot Compton, and spurned Eric’s advances.  She was attracted to him, and somehow found the strength to resist and with each encounter we had with her, I saw my Maker grow more and more obsessed.  With her disappearance I finally believed I would have him back the way I liked him.  Instead, he grew even more focused on her; purchasing her home, searching for her and becoming withdrawn in a way I had never seen.  Whereas I once felt as though I filled a part of him that had been missing, that was no longer the case.  He needed her in a way he had never needed me, and while we had never been in love with another, it cut my soul to pieces to discover my love was not enough.

Did she lie in in wait
Was I bait to pull you in

It did not escape my notice that in many ways she and I were, though I was loath to say it, similar.  We were blonde, beautiful and brave enough to stand up to a 1000 year-old vampire, yet somehow taken in by him.  I admired her spirit, even if I did believe she were a liability that would get us all killed.  Her scent was phenomenal and I could only imagine how she tasted…in more ways than just her blood.  I enjoyed toying with her and was partially grateful for the entertainment she brought to us.

I found myself wondering if perhaps in me he had seen something he needed but was unable to give, turned me anyway, only to now discover the one he truly desired by his side.  Was I simply practice?  Was I perhaps not the first woman to stand up to him, but in his loneliness he took what I offered?  Could it be that fate and all that bullshit was real and one Sookie Stackhouse was the woman Eric was truly destined to walk beside and all I had been was simply a means to open his eyes to what he needed?  We were vampires for fucks sake!  Humans were meant for food and fucking and helping us in the day.  They were breakable, weak and short-sighted when it came to the world around them.  We were not meant to fall in love with them!  They were pathetic and yet my maker was drawn to one, just as his maker had grown to care for them.  Fuck!  I hope it wasn’t catching.

The thrill of the kill
You feel, is a sin

There was once a time where someone like her would have been killed at the hands of my Maker for distracting him so.  He did not get to be the age he is by allowing his emotions to rule him and yet, this annoying little back-water piece of trailer trash somehow had his balls on a chain around her neck.  The man I adored for being bad-ass, unforgiving and willing to use violence to his gain, was now replaced with someone I hardly recognised.

It is true that Eric was much more tolerant of humans than many of our counterparts, and while he didn’t exactly believe in mainstreaming he had refrained from harming humans for many years out of a sense of honour, my Maker had never hesitated before when someone became a liability.  Our survival was imperative and those who stood in our way were there to be stepped on, (in less fabulous shoes of course), unless they got out of our way.  Sookie Stackhouse distracted Eric and yet his reaction when I attempted to save his life from that bitch witch made it seem as though killing her were a sin!  Since that time, I had felt him pulling further away from me and I fear the man I fucking adore will never forgive me.

I lay with the wolves, alone it seems
I thought I was part of you

Where I once believed I was the centre of Eric’s world, I now found myself a stranger looking in.  It was true that we were never as close as he and Godric had been, but they’d had centuries together!  Eric had been turned at a time where survival was a miracle for human and supernatural alike.  They relied on each other in ways we never had so of course they would be closer!  Hearing my Maker speak of Godric though, it was obvious the depth of feeling he held for him was something I could never fathom.  He could not seem to put into words all that he felt for his Maker and it made me feel a sense of foreboding when I recognized the same struggle when it came to that fairy bitch.

The trust Eric and I had built between us though was a foundation I had allowed myself to build on.  He was my world and the world is not meant to move beneath your feet.  (Apart from revolving of course.  Yes, I know!)  I had once held sway over his decisions.  It was me that had been his priority.  I had been the one that he kept safe and loved and stood in front of to shield.  Now… Now I found myself set aside, like an old favourite toy that had lost its lustre.  It had happened in the blink of an eye.  To a human it would have appeared to be a gradual change, but to his immortal child who had spent the better part of almost two centuries at his side, it had occurred so quickly I would have whip-lash if such a thing were possible.

Sookie Stackhouse had replaced me, and while I knew Eric still loved me, it was now she who was part of him.

You loved me and I froze in time
Hungry for that flesh of mine
But I can’t compete with a she wolf, who has brought me to my knees
What do you see in those yellow eyes
Cause I’m falling to pieces

I’m falling to pieces
I’m falling to pieces
I’m falling to pieces
Falling to pieces

Now as I stand here, the sun beating down on me in a “Christmas”-fucking-miracle, I look at my Maker across from me and marvel at the ways in which we have changed.  Whereas before we would have celebrated together in seeing the sun for the first time in centuries, we now stand with several feet between us and it makes me almost nauseous to know that it’s a physical representation of the metaphorical gulf between us in our relationship.

I want him to come to me.  I want him to rush to me and take my head between his large hands and kiss my forehead as he has done a million times before.  I want us to find some willing bloodbag to share and fuck her senseless until we have had our fill.  I want it all but know it won’t happen; not anymore.  Fuck, I’d take a hand-shake if that’s all he could offer me.

I am like the only child who has now to share her daddy with a wicked step-mother and it’s so fucking fairy-tale, (well the bitch does have a magical fairy vagina), that I’m surprised there aren’t cute squirrels and rabbits and talking a mouse around my fucking feet.  All I need is a fairy god mother… and I’d drain that crack with a twat dry.

To someone less discerning, Eric would appear unmoving and without emotion, but to me, I can see the war going on behind his eyes.  It isn’t the war to leave me, but the war to come to me.  Even after everything that bitch has put him through, it is still her he wants to protect.  Fuck!  He probably really does love her.  Even as I tell him he better fucking not leave me I know that he will, and sure enough, he is gone before even I am able to register it.  Something tells me he won’t be returning; not without a lot of persuasion.

I should just forget him!  The asshole released me even though I didn’t want him to.  My place is by his side!  Who the fuck cares what danger we were all in?  I am to fight by his side until victory or final death; no other alternatives.  I have my own child now and this fucktarded baby vamp he made that I guess I’ll have to babysit.  I have a business to rebuild and need to figure out how the fuck I am going to survive the coming months, let alone the next few years.  He abandoned me like I had never meant anything to him; perhaps I never did.

I won’t though.  As much as I want to walk away and never come back I know I can’t.  He made me who I am and is a part of me; the best part.  For whatever fucked up reason he is the fucking love of my fucking life.  None of that candy hearts and flowers and roses shit humans do.  He’s the one that found me when I was in pieces.  He put me back together and is the glue that keeps me from falling apart.  He’s MY Godric. And if I have to beg him to stay with me in the face of the sun I will because this IS madness and he belongs here, with me.

MY Father.  MY Brother.  MY Son.  Until our True Death.

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